Sonic and Zelda stories that make you ROTFL
by ILoveVaatiWindMage
Summary: It's basically what the title says.
1. The One Thing-Vaati

One story I heard about myself? Ok, this one happened in high school. We had this one teacher who had this kid who went to our high school. His name was Mr. McNamara and his son Shadow McNamara went to our high school. He was a sophomore, went as a senior so he was, like, two years behind me. And _Mr._ McNamara was a jerk and one weekend, he and his wife decided to leave town, which you should never do if you're a jerk. And Shadow McNamara decided to throw a party at the teacher's house (hooray!) and everyone around town heard about and basically thought, "Okay, let's go over there and destroy the place."

I walked into this party. Everyone I had ever MET was there, guzzling Chateau Romani like it was the end of the world. Guzzling it like it was the Termainian Apocalypse all over again. It was totally unsupervised and we were like dogs without horses, we were running wild. I walked down to the basement and they had a pool table. One dude took a running start and threw his body _onto_ the pool table and broke it in half. Another kid found which room was Mr. McNamara's and then he pooped on the computer desk.

So the party was going great.

I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup like you see in movies and I'm standing there and I'm holding a red cup and I'm starting to black out. I guess some kid said, "Something, something, police," And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled, "Forget about them! Forget the police!" and everyone else joined in. Like, a hundred children yelling, "Forget. Da. Police." with the confidence of guys who have already been to jail and aren't afraid of it anymore, but with teenagers. The reason someone said, "Something, something, police," was because the police were there. So a CPO walked down the stairs and looked out of the sea of children yelling, "Forget the police." in his face! And he was kinda impressed. And then he said into his walkie-talkie, "Get the paddywagon." And my friend Link, who is now a father (this man now has a baby), smashed a 40 on the ground and yelled, "SCATTER!" and everyone ran in a different direction. It was like that scene in Ratatouille when the humans come in the kitchen and they're going different ways. I ran into the laundry room and I jumped up on the washing machine and I crawled out through the window into the backyard and there was this big chain-linked fence and I think _I have never climbed a fence _that_ high before_ and then I woke up at home.

On Monday, I went to school, because that's what we did back then. I walk into the school and who do I see but Shadow McNamara. And he says to me, "Hey, Vaati, were you at my party on Saturday?"

I said, "No." Y'know like a liar and he said, "Things got really outta hand. Someone broke the pool table. Some dude pooped on my dad's computer. But the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother and my parents are freaked out about it." And I had that thought that only blackout ding-dongs (and Steve Urkel) can have, _Did I do that?_ I figured, _No, I wouldn't have done that,_ but I was never sure until two years later. Relax.

I'm playing video games with this kid named Knuckles the Echidna who we also went to high school with two years ago and we've graduated by now. We're playing video games for a couple hours and then Knuckles says to me, "Hey, come here. I wanna show you something," and he takes me into his bedroom and then he takes me into a sideroom off of his bedroom (never a good thing to have) and he shows me a tiny room that is covered wall-to-wall in stolen antique photos from different people's parties and I said, "Why…? Why do you do this…?"

And Knuckles said, "Because it's the one thing you can't replace!"

That's the end of my story but how messed up is that, right? That's crazy! So, I don't visit the bar anymore.


	2. Working at Burger King-Sonic

Look, we've all had some pretty lame jobs. Everyone's had lame jobs. Whatever. Ya gotta do it. First job I had, Burger King. Go on laugh it up. I'll come up there, man/ma'am. My brother, Manic, got me the job, too. My brother got me the job. Mm-hmm. Guess who's the manager. And he got me the job. Now you think that would be cool, right? Cuz Manic's my bro? But he was some (bleep). He thought he was the Burger King! Y'know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive-thru.

Every.

Night.

Why do people insist on yelling at the drive-thru? Just some modern technology. I'd be there with my little headset. "Hi, welcome to Burger King! May I take your order?"

"WHOPPER!"

"Uh, sir-?"

"WHOPPER, NO ONION! LARGE FRIES!"

"Um, excuse me, Chewbacca, uh… I'm bleeding from the ears here Pachino. Let's calm down. We're dealing with FOOD not MISSILES, here, governor. Now, DRIVE AROUND!"

I'd prefer the people who'd yell then the people who didn't talk loud enough. That drove me CRAZY. You know, ten cars out there I'd be like… "Hi ma'am, may I take your order?"

"uh, i would like a small and some pickles. i would also like a large with pickles, and don't forget the shakes and some pickles!"

"Ma'am, hello? Can I help ya?"

"and the shakes! and don't forget to shake the pickles and large chocolate shakes! and the pickles! and the pickles! and the pickles!"

"Alright, ma'am. Apparently, you want some pickles. Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drive thru? What are you saying?! HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"chicken tenders. and sweet sauce all over my body."

"... Okay ma'am, drive around. Someone get some sauce, now! C'mon, she wants it her way!"


	3. Cookies-Link

My son is a different ball game then me. I don't know why, but my son has me wrapped around his finger. He's spoiled. Spoiling him on purpose, I'm supposed to, I'm "Dad." Crazy thing is, he knows he got me wrapped around his finger. He knows how to turn me and his mother against each other. It's amazing to me. Like one day he came to me and hit me with his soft voice. He was like, "Dad? Can I have a cookie?"

I go, "Yeah, sweetie, let's get a cookie." I grab his hand and start walking towards the kitchen to get a cookie. And out of nowhere I hear Zelda go, "DON'T! GIVE HIM! NO COOKIE!" Scared me, then I just stopped cuz I had no idea where that was coming from. Like, _Hylia, why would you say that? He can have a cookie._

I'mma tell you how smart my son is. My son's so smart, he didn't fall out. He didn't have a tantrum. He looked at me and said, "Dad, I thought you were the man of the house."

He said that and I didn't know what to do so I got mad.

I said, "WHATCHU MEAN HE CAN'T HAVE NO DANG COOKIE?! WHY WOULD YOU BUY COOKIES IF AIN'T NOBODY CAN HAVE A COOKIE!? I'm shutting the whole cookie operation down!" That's what I did.

I got a ladder and I shut it down by putting the cookies on the top of the refrigerator and I hid the ladder. The reason I need the ladder is because we small at my house. We need a ladder to get to everything.


	4. Shadow Noooo!

I try to keep Amy away from Sonic but one time I was unsuccessful. I knocked on Amy's door one night. "Who is it?" she asked.

I walked in anyway. "Amy, I know it's late but I really need to talk." I said. Although, I wished I never walked in. Amy was in her bed and who do I see with her but Sonic. I screamed like a baby girl. "AHHHHHHHHHH! AMY NOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHHHHH! You, him, here, ohh! I need a moment!" I leaned against the bed and slumped to the ground, crying a bit. "I'm an adult..." I told myself, "I can handle this... I'm okay..." However, I lost control again when I got up. "AMY NOOOOOOOOO!"

"Woah, Shadow, would you keep it down?" said Sonic.

"I'm not ready to talk to YOU yet, young man!" I yelled.

Blaze came from upstairs. "What happened? I heard screaming." She froze too when she saw Amy's new boyfriend. But she didn't fall out like me.

Tails came from downstairs. "What's this? A pajama party?" Of course he had no idea what was going on.

Silver came from across the hall. "What is going on?" He froze. "Ew." He walked out.

Rouge came from down the hall, "Hey…"

"Ok!" I yelled, "That's it! Everybody out! Everybody out right now! Everybody, C'mon!" As soon as everyone escaped the room, I said: "Ok, Amy. I just wanna say...That I'm hurt. And I don't think that girlfriends are supposed to do... w-what...OH MY GOSH I JUST GOT A MENTAL PICTURE!" I started running out. "GET OUT GET OUT!"


End file.
